You know you live in London when...
-You say "the city" and expect everyone to know which one.
-You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.
-You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.
-Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
-You step over people who collapse on the tube.
-You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
-Your door has more than three locks.
-Your favourite movie has Hugh Grant in it.
-You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
-You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.
-You consider Essex the "countryside" and think Hyde Park is "nature".
-You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain"!
-You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
-You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
-You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1985, and when you did, it terrified you.
-You actually take fashion SERIOUSLY!!
-You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
-The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
-You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
-Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
-£50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
-You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
-You don't hear sirens anymore.
-You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.
-Your cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsagent is Indian and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian.
-You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.
-You say 'mate' constantly.
-You see Kate Moss in the Chinawhite (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
-The countryside makes you nervous.
-Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
-You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day"
